He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
