Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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