I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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