I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
