i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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