I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
