turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize