I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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