i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize