someone get that fucking seahorse.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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