You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
