I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
