you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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