i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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