i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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