Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
