Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
