I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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