she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
