You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
