Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
