I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
