peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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