There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
