Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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