i can't believe i had my finger in that
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize