Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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