I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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