if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize