Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
