He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
