I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize