the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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