i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
