Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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