Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize