I should be sponsored by Trojan
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My dad just said "fuck circus"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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