My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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