It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
