Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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