It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
