I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
