The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
