the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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