When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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