a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i want to swaddle you in tequila
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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