Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
