can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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