worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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