Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize