Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
