I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
