I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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