And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
