The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
