life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
