Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
