I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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