I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
