Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Randomize