I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
