I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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