They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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