then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
