I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
