swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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