Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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