A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
