Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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