Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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