I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
