Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
