By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize